I need time

Cause I just need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience

Why I started with this verse? If I only knew.

I've been listening to this song the other night, while driving home. I didn't take the highway, I prefer secondary roads, the winding the better. I enjoy driving, especially at night, when there's no one honking the horn behind me because I drive slower than the speed limit.

So I was driving at night on a plateau road, there was the full moon making everything look like it was made of molten silver… There was no one but me, my car, and an easy-music radio.

And then Patience comes on and I listened to the lyrics. I mean, really listened to the lyrics, which I don't have time to do during the day, at work or later at home, because I just have a million different things to do. So I listened to the words to this song and something clicked.

Don't ask me what it was, I'm not sure of it myself, but it felt like Gary was singing about me, about my life, about this moment I'm in. I am still healing. My heart is numb. I am numb.

The song ended and another one started, but I just couldn't get the lyrics out of my head. That verse. That damned verse. And I started thinking and wondering just how the hell I got to this point. How did I get here? Why did I get here? How in the world did my life turn this way? At which point did I turn the wrong way in one of the many crossovers in my life?

How can a person not know that they're numb, that their emotions just sort of shut off, took a vacation?

How come I didn't see it before, know it before? Why did it take a pop song to kick my eyes wide open, so to speak?

It's been like this for more than two years now. God, I haven't realized it's been so long ago. It seems yesterday. Sure, I might have deluded myself that everything was fine, that I was fine, that I was over it. But the truth is, I'm far from fine, I'm far from over it. Back then I kept screaming at myself to cry, just get it out of my system, get back on my feet, react. And I did. I swallowed that lump of grief and joined the living again.

Or so I thought.

In fact, I've been living in a limbo. A limbo of coldness. A limbo of numbness, of no feeling, no emotion.

And I need to react again, for real this time. I have to start feeling again. I need to start feeling again.

It's been two years since I last cried. Not even my favorite book can make me do it, not a movie, not a letter. Nothing. I though it was a sign of strength. I thought this was a clear sign that I was back, that I was strong.

But it isn't. This inability to cry is a sign of weakness. I'm weak. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to face facts. I'm afraid to look the truth in the eye. I'm afraid of what I feel, so I block it all inside, building a wall between myself and the rest of the world.

I know that what keeps me from opening up, from crying, from showing my true emotions, what I truly feel, is fear of what might happen. Not might, what will happen. I know I'd break down and I never showed this kind of weakness to anyone.

I guess I just need time. Time to cope, time to heal, time to think.

Cause I just need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience

I wash my hands off IE

THAT'S IT!
I'm sick and tired of IE and its burps and farts. Lately I cannot seem to open a page without getting a warning about a security risk to my computer. Even Amazon seems to plot against my PC's safety.

And don't get me started on how I sweated blood for IE (version lower than 7 to be precise) to properly render the alpha transparency of the PNGs on my website. And when I finally did it, the css doesn't validate. Of course it doesn't validate if I have to use some hacky coding to have a decent looking website in IE.

From now on, I'll be using IE only when strictly necessary (like some online language courses - I speak from recent experience) and at work obviously, since apparently our ITs haven't heard of Firefox before.
I bet they all use it at home, though. Sneaky bastards. ;)

I just noticed - Firefox seems to spot little typos as I write, I don't even have to use the spell checker. Cool.
Oh, and the add-on themes are awesome, too. I'm using the 300-based one and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

Why haven't I thought of this rant before? Gee, I don't know. I grew up using the Netscape navigator, which always crashed whenever I visited my mom at work to use it, then I finally got a decent computer that's been able to sustain the Internet connection and stuck with IE, because the only time I tried Firefox it seemed a little slow and lazy... And I hated the look - so dull and gray. Who knew about the add-on themes

Yes, go ahead and sue me for being stupid. It certainly won't be the first time. ;P

Short update

Don't worry, I'm still among the living and I haven't met a handsome hunk that would sweep me off my feet and carry me into the sunset... yet.
I've just been out of town for a few days. Spending New Year's in Vienna, attending the famous Wiener Philharmoniker Neujahrskonzert. I had the amazing luck to get the tickets. I've been trying to for years - ever since I was old enough to be able to go to Vienna all by my lonesome. And the wait finally paid off.
Especially when the two ballet dancers came strolling (dancing) in at the end of the On the Beautiful Blue Danube. I've been watching them dance to the tune for years and right this year they come dancing into the hall. Woohoo!

In other news... there are no other news at the present.
I started on the umpteenth edit of Shadow of Revenge and I'll hopefully have it finished by the release date, which is approximately in March of this year. Keep your fingers crossed.
I have so many books in writing at the moment, I cannot seem to concentrate on one in particular and finish it. Shoot!
I once again picked up the first book in the first series I'm planning. A mix of romance, thriller, action, and drama. The best kind of mix, don't you think.
I don't know whether I'll concentrate on a specific character (as I've been planning since the idea popped up in my mind), o choose something else. It's all still in plotting diapers so far. But the story is all done and finished - in my head. Now the tricky part is to put it all together on paper and make it look "normal" and readable.

It'll also be a week straight out of my worst nightmare at work. You know how it is. You return from a short vacation, your desk is filled with papers, you have loads of phone calls to return, the boss wants to see you ASAP, one of your co-workers gets the PMS... And all this in the first half hour and you still have seven and a half hours to go.
Needless to say I felt like I've been hit by a double decker as I returned home. The bed looks so inviting and yet I have so much to do before I can crash.

I can't wait for the weekend.